Giving

Is it possible to give to everyone?  Or are there people who just refuse to receive?

I’m a giver.  Always have been. I’ve had the good fortune to have had so much in my life, it only seems natural to want to give.  I'm not talking about things entirely, but more about love.

I’ve met so many people since my husband died.  There have been some incredible times with my new friends and I am always happy to share what I have with them.

But as we approach the “giving” season, I realize that some of my friends are incapable of receiving.  I’m not sure if it’s because they have had difficult lives and haven’t known true love from a friend or lover, or whatever.  Maybe it’s just an inequity.  I have, they don’t.  I realize that I am fortunate to have many people who love me.  Perhaps they resent me because I have, but honestly I’m so willing to share and with no strings.  I expect nothing in return.

All I know is that is very difficult wanting so much to give and share my love with these friends.  If I could just bring a bit of happiness to their lives, I would be so grateful.  I have finally come to peace with it though, and it’s the most amazing feeling ever.  I have to say that Christmases past I always gotten very depressed about what would or would not happen on the day.  Too many expectations.  For the first time ever, I am content to be alone on Christmas.  I will spend the day counting my blessings for all the years past and hope that some day my friends will accept my “gifts.”

Wishing you all that one day you can and will accept the gifts your friends offer and know it's not just things, but actually love that is being thrown your way and to know that nothing is expected in return.

Gaming and Addictions

Some of you who know me know that I am a “reformed” gamer.  I was addicted to a game called Warcraft.  In the beginning I didn’t even want to play with other people online, yet the game developers originally made it so compelling, it was hard to leave.  I never gave it much thought in the beginning, but as I found myself spending an inordinate number of hours seeking gear and higher status for my characters, I realized that something wasn’t quite right.

At some point I realized that Warcraft designers built into their game something called Intermittent Rewards.  This is what compels gamblers.  You have no control over the reward system and you never know when you will receive that adrenaline hit.  But once you get it, you want it again and again.  I’ll never forget the time a very rare item dropped and I won the “roll.”  Yes, the game contains very close ties with gambling.  It was worth a great deal of gold in the game.  I didn’t need it for my character and I could sell it on the open market.  I made a ton of gold selling it and I was able to buy one of the best mounts in the game.  In able to compete at the highest levels of raiding, besides having the necessary skill, you must amass a great deal of gold and gear and have a certain amount of status with great mounts etc.  This hit kept me going for a long while… ;)

I realized that I was hooked and I quit the game, more than once.  Yes, it was an addiction and I had to go back.  I haven’t played the game seriously in several years now and I can safely say I could go back and not be hooked.  Well, at least I think so.  It’s lost its appeal and besides as in many things, it became ordinary after a while.

What I’ve learned recently is that this same behavior carries through in other parts of my life.  I’ve led a fairly protected life up until the death of my husband when I had to venture forth into a world of strangers.  It’s been interesting to say the least, but also very difficult.  I realized that people can also use the intermittent reward system and it can hook you.  What was baffling to me was my attraction to such people, because in the end the “house” always wins and it was a painful lesson each time.  Yet, I always went back for more.  I was thinking in humanistic terms always, infatuation, personal attraction, commonalities, even developing a better relationship, or a friendship in the least.  I thought I was always trying to make things better, to understand, to know the person better, when in fact I was addicted to the intermittent reward.

How does this work in personal relationships?  Well let’s say it starts with a series of rewards.  Contacting you constantly, pursuing you, telling you things you want to hear, then it suddenly slows, until you just have no idea when the next reward will come.  You wait and wait, hoping.  Then it comes when you least expect it, and with it comes the adrenaline rush, the smile on your face that perhaps they really do care.  Then when they know they have you hooked they withdraw even more, their attention turns to hooking yet another naïve player.  I mean it’s all about having the most addicted to them and their game.  Then just when you are thinking that it’s time to quit, the “game producer” pulls out another big reward; one that might hook you forever without much effort on their part while they go about hooking others.  Interestingly, these creators tell you up front that you will never win because they aren’t interested in ever giving you what you really want.  Absolute genius!  What a better way to keep you trying.  But you must remember you will rarely win because the odds are not in your favor. 

So what I did I learn from realizing this?  That I was looking in the wrong direction always.  I was trying to figure out the game and its creator, when I needed to figure out myself and my own reaction to the game.  Once you realize you are being manipulated and like a Pavlov dog salivating to a ringing bell, it suddenly becomes apparent that it’s not the game or the creator, but you who needs to change.  I’ve never thought of myself as a gambler, but I see I have the traits that can hook one into a dangerous game of trying to win something that is impossible.

So, just like I walked away from Warcraft, I shall do the same in my life.  Game over, plain and simple.

PS:  This blog was written some time ago, just felt today was a good time to share it.

Sex and the City - Why Women Should Hate rather than Love this Series

I’ve been watching old episodes of Sex and the City and finding my own dating experiences to be much the same as many of the episodes.  The writers have done an excellent job portraying so many situations that occur between men and women.

At the same time I googled various themes and ran across a blog entitled, “Why I hate Carrie Bradshaw, and Sex and the City.  Her premise states the entire series is unrealistic and gives women the wrong impression.  Over the 6 seasons, Carrie dates and even becomes engaged to a wonderful man, but never gets over Mr. Big.

However, the subsequent movie shows her finally marrying him.  The blogger rants that this rarely happens.  She hates Carrie and says she is stupid because she dumps the good guy for the man who treats her like shit. 

The blogger also realizes that a majority of women have found themselves in this situation, and unlike the television series will never end up being “the one” who changes Mr. Big.  How many Mr. Bigs are out there?  I’m uncertain, but I’ve run across a few.  Have I hoped to be the one to change him?  Shrug, honestly I suppose I have.  You see, we all love the chase and the challenge and our egos cry out that we need to be the special one.  These types of men thrive on this as we are just fodder for their egos.

This makes me as stupid as Carrie, at least in my new life as a widow.  In my life before, I was smart enough to chose the good guy and was in love with him for 40 years.  Unfortunately, he died. 

Just as Carrie randomly met Mr. Big, I was unfortunate enough to have met mine.  Did I go back a few times?  Yep.  But here is where Carrie and I differ, I’m still looking for another good man and when I find him, I’ll never look back.  Wish me luck;  it’s not easy finding one.

Matters of the Heart

A week or so ago I was reminded of the fragility of the human heart when I was called to check on my husband’s aunt who wasn’t feeling well.  As I rushed to her house, I asked for strength to take care of whatever I might find when I arrived.

After listening to her describe several heart attack symptoms, I called 911.  The paramedics decided to take her to the hospital where they were able to determine that she did not have a heart attack, but the symptoms were a precursor to one and a warning.

Been there before more than once.  Memories of my husband have flooded my mind in the last week or so.  If only….

That day my husband had an explosion in his heart, but it destroyed mine. 

We know how to take care of our hearts physically through diet and exercise, but how do we keep them from being broken?

Some of us steel our hearts and lock them tight against future pain, but is it enough?  As song-writer Leonard Cohen says so brilliantly in his song Anthem, “There is a crack, a crack in everything.  That’s how the light gets in.”  So no matter how hard we try to protect our emotional hearts, it’s impossible.  So when you’re down and your heart feels darker than you have ever known, remember there is always a crack to let the light in.  I suspect that the crack also lets a bit of black in as well, and these are moments of great pain, but also of great inspiration.  Be not afraid, for if you listen to your heart, you will find the light once again.

Tacking

I’m using a sailing term today to express what I feel.  Tacking is trimming your sail to turn into the wind.

Now, I’ve never been a skipper who has commanded her own craft, but I am the captain of my life.  I would imagine that you must have much skill to know when to tack.  I’d prefer to always have the wind at my back because in life having the wind in your face isn’t the most pleasant of situations.

I use my intuition to turn into the wind, and sometimes it’s the most subtle of signs which make me take a new direction.  I probably ruminate on why far too long, but I wonder how one statement or lack thereof creates my sudden tack.  I’ve been in several situations where one word or conversation changes everything.  What if the person or persons had said something different or acted in a different manner?  Would I have pulled so hard on the tiller then?  Did I send myself further out to sea?

I’m still learning the water so I suppose ultimately it’s not just that one moment, but rather a culmination of observations I’ve made as I maneuver my way around.  Still I wonder if I made a mistake tacking too early more than once.  I still have no direction or shore in sight, but hopefully my sailing skills will improve with time.  I only hope that I don’t wreck on a reef before finding a sandy beach where I can rest.

Being the captain of my own ship isn’t all that easy, but I do have to realize that it’s the winds of life that ultimately have control.  I just need to learn to tame them.

Trust and the Future

I am continuing to watch Season 7 of Dexter.  Most compelling.  The last blog I wrote I said I didn’t see Dexter staying with Hannah, his beautiful murderess girlfriend and the first time he'd actually fallen in love.  It didn't work out.  In the end it came down to a lack of trust on Dexter’s part.

Dexter laments, “I should know better than count on a future, all you have to believe is now, this moment, because in a blink, everything can change.”

I am fascinated by the direction of the series.  Dexter is supposed to be a psychopath and as such has no conscience, nor is capable of love or real emotion, and yet they gave him these qualities in this season.  They made him “human,” but only to feel the pain that most of us feel.  It’s obviously a television series and fiction so I can’t say that in real life this would ever happen.

Yet, it certainly hit home with me.  I always envisioned a future, and like Dexter mine was erased in a blink.  As human beings, we all want to see a happy future with someone for the rest of our days.  My first experience with losing my future was the day my husband died.  Since then I’ve tried to find a new future, but have failed. Sadly, it’s very difficult and sometimes it does come down to a lack of trust. 

Although I'd rather have something to look forward to, I will live in the moment for now and hope that perhaps someday I will have a future again. I hope the same for you.

The Law of Attraction or Chemistry.

There is an actual definition on Wiki.  If you care to investigate you can go here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_attraction

Rather than reiterate it, I will talk about what I feel about attraction.  Seems it hits everyone, but we all have a different reaction to it.  Sometimes there is mutual attraction, but most times the equation isn’t equal.

Oddly enough I have been watching Dexter and Season 7 deals with attractions that are equal, but spell a disaster in the making.  Dexter is drawn to a woman whom he tries to murder, but instead ends up having an affair with her.  He questions himself throughout the episode and here are some of the best quotes:

“Chemistry. I’ve heard some people have it.  An attraction that can’t be qualified or explained. Is that the reason behind this? Loss of control?” – Dexter

"Chemistry deals with the reactions between elementary forms of matter. Separate the elements and you negate the reaction."  - Dexter

“When some elements come together they create a reaction that can’t be reversed. They transcend chemistry. Is this what love feels like? Is this how it begins? Am I even capable of this?” – Dexter

“So why am I walking away from this? Because when two chemicals mix they combust and explode.” – Dexter

As Pink sings about in the song,”True Love," she hates him so much, it must be true love.  In Dexter’s case it’s not just hate, but murder.

Why is it so difficult to stay away from people we know are bad for us, and so easy to blow off someone who is probably is? Do we need loss of control to fall in love?  I’ve known more than one person who has found themselves in this situation.  We are attracted to the wrong people all the time and sometimes we even continue despite knowing that it will end in disaster.

Perhaps real chemistry between two people needs that love/hate conflict or that element of danger to make it interesting enough to remain attracted.  

As I write this, I don't know what will become of Dexter and his irresistibly beautiful partner, but I don't see it lasting.  Will he end up murdering her or walk away?  All I know is he is drawn to her despite his logic.  Been there, done it.

What do you think?  Have you been there?

Conscience

So in this blog I’m going to try to tie all my previous posts together.  I have talked about honesty, being a certain age and not able to find anyone with whom I feel compatible, lying to oneself and getting naked.

So today I tackle a very touchy subject.  Conscience.  I’ve read much about this and I’ve met some people whom I believe have no conscience.  But when I really examine this subject I realize that there are so many levels of conscience, just as there are many ways to lie to others and sadly to oneself.

So what is conscience?  It’s a morality.  It’s what makes us conform to what we believe are society’s norms.  But how many of us are able to conform?  I was fortunate to have an amazing husband who not only conformed, but allowed me to not conform at times.  So let’s talk about conscience…

Conscience is that part of us that makes us stop doing what we know is wrong.  Quite possibly the word “guilt” and conscience are synonymous.  Simple yes?  Not so much.  There is this other factor in the equation called emotions.  So I would venture to say that it’s a constant struggle between what we feel and what we logically know is wrong.

I see conscience being overridden every day.  I see people who are in affairs with married people, people who use others for a quick fuck without regard to their feelings, people who put all their morality aside for a diversion, eat something they shouldn’t, indulge in alcohol and or drugs.  (Hand raised!  I’m guilty of at least some, but not all of the above.) But… for those of us who believe in a conscious and its ability to make a balance in our lives, we must resist our emotions and defer to the greater good.  I can’t say it’s an easy decision.  I’d much rather just give into my emotions and tell my conscious to fuck off.  At my age, I know I don't have much time left and it does become somewhat easier to ignore my conscious.  I hate hurting like anyone else, and conforming sometimes hurts a lot.  It's so much easier to just do things that makes one happy even if we know the end will never justify the means.

Final thoughts.  Your conscious is not black or white.  There are many shades of gray.  I must forgive those whom I believe have no conscious or very little.  They may very well be far ahead of me in learning this lesson and have accepted it and maybe even conform sometimes.  I have often ignored my conscious, but I suppose that just makes me a human with human frailties.  So forgive me for judging when I had no right.  I do wish that all my friends would think about those times when your desires overcame your conscious.  Was it worth it?